Location, location, location!

       

I have a lot of obsessions: chocolate, carne asana fries, romantic comedies, Harry Potter, and cuss words (especially foreign ones, oh la la p). But of my most beloved infatuation is the reigning queen: HGTV, specifically House Hunters International. There's something about judging other people's choices in living arrangements (you're really going to pay $1100 a month for that?!) that just warms my soul. 

I mean, honestly, it's like you're traveling across the globe buying town houses in trendy neighborhoods and condos in the Virgin Islands and renovated churches in Normandy without the pain in actually forking out your cash. You can learn so much from this show, i.e. the importance of "entertainment space", open space, crown molding, hardwood floors, unobstructed view, LOCATION, the horror of popcorn ceilings and granite! Granite! Stainless steel! I can't walk into a home IRL now without updating and doing a complete renovation in my mind. 

And it's a more realistic show than all these reality shows. Oh, you think you're going to stay within your $25000 renovation budget? Hah, those French doors and double vanity sinks done fucked you up. Oh, you only wanted to rent a two bedroom, two bath apartment with outdoor space for $900 in Berlin? Bishhh please, you can rent a room and share a bathroom for your Geld. 

The best part of the show no doubt is looking at the houses, but you have to acknowledge that cringeworthy awkwardness all couples endure when they're thinking over their picks (while I'm silently steaming because they just crossed out the third house. That was the best house you Schlampe!). And that awkward "Should we kiss or hug" moment after reaching their decision is so cruel, and yet, I can't look away. 

So thanks, House Hunters International. Because of you, I am an owner of six castles and twelve other turnkey properties across the page seven continents. Watch out, Oprah. 

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