These Hoes Ain't Loyal

We are so lacking nowadays. All these talks about #squads and shit means nothing when your team is full of Michaels and Tobys. What we lack are little Dwight Schrutes in our circle of friendship. It's Winter break and I'm now on the third round of watching The Office and revelations and realizations are coming at me left and right. Who I found to be the most annoying character the first time I watched it back in, what 2010?, became absolute #goals for homies. And here's why:

1. He's of German descent. Er spricht Deutsch und das it's über sexy. 

2. He's a man of nature. It is kill or be killed and you need someone in your #squad ready to throw down when shit goes down. Despite living on a goddamn beet farm, he is resourceful and comfortable about dealing with dead animals (I.e. Using the dead bird as a can opener). 

3. He's gives great advice: "Just as you plant your seed into the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you." You need a #squad motivator.  Also, K.I.S.S. [Keep It Simple, Stupid]

4. He's always prepared and intent on making you the same. Like that time he set the office on fire to test his fellow coworkers about fire safety precaution/procedures. 

5. He's got an in with the law (associated with volunteer police department and gave Michael his urine to pass the drug test; damn you, Alicia Keys).  

6. He's big on payback. There was the time he and Ryan the Temp went on a sales call, failed, and then joined in as Ryan egged Axelrod Ltd. So you know he'll always have your back. You go, Schrute!

7. And lastly, he lives and breathes for Michael (except for when he tried to throw a coup and take over as Scranton branch manager). That type of blind loyalty is incomprehensible in this day and age. #RideOrDie

If you ever find a Dwight, hold them tight. Never let go, Jack, never let go.